Since June was born six months ago, I have added a new ritual to my morning routine: stepping on the scale. For years, I had scale-phobia and dreaded that part of my doctor appointments more than anything else. It's been an ongoing challenge for me to balance optimal blood sugar management with achieving my "ideal" weight; before I started pump therapy, I was at my thinnest that I've been in my adult life, but my daily blood sugars were out of the healthy range. When I started pump therapy seven years ago, I gained a good twelve pounds in the first couple of months...but my blood sugar control was the best it had been since being diagnosed. Part of that weight gain showed that my body was healthier--processing sugar rather than spilling it out in my urine. But a lot of the weight gain--which I openly admit--came from my now being able to indulge in desserts, chips and other high-fat foods that I used to avoid...because now I could just blus enough insulin to cover the carbs & fat and still come out with a blood sugar in the healthy range.
I caught on quickly that that way of thinking and eating was not healthy for me or anyone. Still, I struggled with getting the extra weight off. Over the next couple of years, I gained significant weight with each of my pregnancies. Now that I am on the other side of that, and have decided not to have any more children, I have set a new goal to try and maintain optimal blood sugar control AND reach a more ideal weight. Thankfully, I've taken off all of the weight from my pregnancy...but still have 15 pounds to go to my goal.
Standing on the scale each morning forces me to acknowledge where I am in terms of reaching that goal. This has been a helpful tool. Yet, I also don't wantthis ritual to determine my mood for the day. I don't want to punish myself if I'm up a pound or two or reward myself if I've lost half a pound. I want to take in the information, use it to help me, but not allow myself to get caught up in my weight equating my self-worth.
Growing up with diabetes since age ten, I have battled the feeling that the numbers on my blood sugar meter defined me. I would look and the number and label it either "good" or "bad"...and there was no separation between the number and me. If the blood sugar was good, I was good; if it was bad, I was bad. It has taken me a long time to recognize my blood sugar as either "high" or "low", rather than good or bad. Part of accepting that is acknowledging that as hard as I work at blood sugar control, there are factors...sickness, stress, my menstrual cycle...that can undercut whatever steps towards control that I take.
As I work out my relationship with the scale, I'm trying to bring that awareness to my process of losing weight. Today I lost one pound. And I did step away from the scale with a lighter step...